So like, I’m reading the Toronto Star online a while back, and I see that Ontario premier Dalton McGimpy is pushing to go ahead with photo radar. You stumps in Ontario are familiar with this concept, right? They put up little cameras all over the place, and when you drive too fast, it takes a picture of your license plate and they mail you a ticket? The article focused on the fact that nobody wants photo radar (DUH!), and that it is nothing more than a tax grab for the government (DOUBLE DUH!).

Well, I’m here to say…grow up Ontario! First of all, YOU seem to have this preoccupation with Liberal governments, so you get what you deserve, and that’s to have your pockets constantly picked by arrogant, greedy, insensate Liberal commies. But secondly, we’ve had photo radar in Winnipeg for 5 years now, yet if ANYBODY needs it, it’s Ontario. We actually don’t drive all that fast out here, and that with a LOT more open space. You guys, however, have a collective Paul Tracy Complex. When you go to the grocery store to get milk, you drive through town at 140 km/h! Why do you do this? I have many theories.

It takes years of preconditioning to turn an Ontarian into a demon on wheels. I think it’s actually a genetic mutation that has grown over the years. I think it started with my Dad. Dad’s driving is, well, SCARY! The man is a slave to a schedule he’s always late for. And I think that’s the whole problem right there. All you Ontario types think everything you do is so damn important that the universe will not be able to maintain it’s cycle if you do not get to that next pressing engagement on time…work, soccer practice, donut shop, supermall, or in Kendall’s case, a simple nooner. Whatever the reasons your deluded minds concoct, there is no force known to man – cops, school crossings, Haley’s comet, ageless laws – that will slow you down. Your automobile darts and weaves through objects animate and inanimate like an anvil was sitting on your accelerator.

My father is a product of this genetic anomaly. Whether he’s on the 400 or Haines Road (the little residential street his house is on), he makes drag racers look like Sunday drivers. When approaching a stop sign at speeds close to 100 mph, if forced to stop, he starts braking about 15 feet from the sign. He can actually get it down to 65 mph while looking both ways before jettisoning through the intersection. My mother will not travel with him. She insisted years ago on having her own car. She still has it. He’s revved through four.

What exactly am I getting at? Well, it’s this…my father is NORMAL in Ontario! In fact, he’s probably considered a safe driver…a SLOWPOKE! Recently I visited Southern Ontario, and had occasion to travel on several 400-class highways. It occurs to me that you Ontario stumps are confusing the highway I.D. sign with the SPEED LIMIT sign. On my way to and from Ottawa, I was cruising at 120 km/h, and little old ladies with stigmatisms were passing me like I was a turtle taking a nap. I’m reasonably sure that, over the course of a 4-hour trip, EVERY single vehicle on the highway passed me. I believe I was the last person to arrive in Ottawa that day. In fact, everyone that had passed me was leaving again just as I arrived.

I find it so incredibly annoying that Ontario can complain about what the rest of us accept as obvious. If you want to perpetuate yourself for at least another generation, you can’t be allowed to just mow down your children in your driveways as you hurry off to another latte convention. I should add at this point that transplanted Ontarians are no better. They move to places like Minnesota, buy expensive SUV’s that roll down highways like supersonic tanks, and ignore all unfortunate life forms in their wake, from opposing traffic to cattle grazing in nearby fields. Take my friend, Woodsie, for example. He drives one of those Chevy Subdivisions, those newfangled monstrosities that need three lanes to travel on. Inspite of the fact that these gargantuan 4-wheeled computers get about 3 miles to the gallon, people like my exiled Ontario friend drive them at hypersonic speeds where they are often mistaken for landing space shuttles.

Back to Dad for just a moment…this genetic mutation can often will itself into the next generation. My brother Dave is a firefighter at Toronto airport. On his commute to work he is frequently mistaken for a 737 by air traffic controllers. Dave lives near Angus, Ontario, which is about 120 km from Toronto. He gets to work in 15 minutes. So you see what I’m saying. Photo radar, though a nuisance, is almost certainly a necessity in that egomaniacal province of Ontario.

There is no question, however, that it is a pain in the butt, as well as the wallet. Several weeks ago I was running a little late for work, so I tried to shortcut some construction through the downtown core, but I forgot about the intersection camera at Donald and Broadway. I was trying to hurry without being Ontario stupid, but I noticed the flashing lights behind me (like something out of a Hollywood set they’re so blinkin’ bright!) and I knew I was toast. It takes ten days by mail, and sure enough there was a picture of my licence plate from three different angles. The fine…$105. My speed…62 km/h in a 50 zone. Now let me explain something to you…the camera is set to take your picture starting at 11 km/h over the limit. For the sake of TWO LOUSY KILOMETRES PER HOUR, I paid the greedy government pigs $105, and there was NO WAY to beg out of it.

But this is not even the worst part of the story. The other day on the radio they were doling out some stats, and it seems that the WORST intersection camera infraction was something like 130 km/h!!! In the middle of the freakin’ city!!! WHAT? Did this lunatic think he could actually go TOO FAST for the camera to see him? But the thing that ticks me off the most is that his $105 ticket was certainly deserved. I was 2 (TWO) km/h over. He was 70. Does that seem fair to you?

Well, on the topic of fair, our justice system gives us plenty to rant about. Bear recently sent me a copy of this year’s Stella Awards, wherein our so-called justice system makes wonderful decisions to aid and abet hardcore criminals while declaring the innocent guilty as H***. But I’ll save that rant for another time.

In the meantime Ontario, I suggest you get used to the idea that photo radar is coming, and it will suck your bank accounts dry, likely in days. There is, however, a way for you to win. TAKE PUBLIC TRANSIT! That’s right. Support your local bus driver. He does your work for you while you sleep, read your paper, or get raped by the smelly homosexual next to you. Hey! Somebody’s got to pay his fare too you know!

"Better public transit helps build stronger cities." (McGuinty…Star Oct. 22/04)